I've been putting off writing this post because I knew that seeing it in black and white would be painful. We've been trying to expand our family for the past couple years, and we finally came to a place where our last chance has passed.
I don’t say complete our family, because that would imply that my family of four is anything less than perfect just the way it is. Those of you, who know me, would agree my life revolves around my two lovely four year olds.
Our first, Grace, was adopted after a long, emotional, expensive & difficult process. Every second was worth it however; when I placed my hand on her baby foot seconds after she took her first breath, and I took the first breath of my new, now blessedly whole, life.
Our second daughter Georgia is a medical marvel. Conceived in a lab, she is the only life my body ever held on to. We tried to make her for more than three years, and all those failed fertility attempts and lost babies led us to her.
Born just 5 months after her sister, she gave me the gift of knowing what it was like to grow a human being.
They have both given me the gift of feeling such intense love that I often burst into tears on any given normal afternoon while watching them doing nothing more ordinary than just existing. Being a mom is the best thing I have ever done. It is what I am best at. Even in my most difficult mommy moments, which happen every day, I know my strongest skill is being a mother. I do nothing better. Though I adore my job, I would run away from it without a second’s pause, for the chance to be nothing more than Grace and Georgia’s mom.
We've never been able to complete another pregnancy naturally, or with the help of a doctor, since Georgia was born. There is no explanation. No reason. Nothing to fix. I’m healthy and young, as is my husband (though I’m younger ill be quick to point out ;) But years of “assistance” and loss that, each time threatens to take me to a place of sadness that I never fully believe I will come back from, is now over. We won't do it again. I can’t do it again.
I never adored being pregnant which is ironic given how badly I tried to get to that state. You can read about my pregnancy (I gained 60 pounds while on ABC news) here. Adoption is more natural for me. You can read this early 2012 blog to hear about the long history of adoption in my family and how Grace became ours. I would adopt an entire brood of children if the Lord willed it.
Sometimes I fantasize about a baby just showing up on our door-step, not literally, but with that type of ease. A family member with a friend, or someone from our church with a teenager who needs help. Those are the only types of scenarios in which we could ever adopt again. We just don’t have enough money to save another baby. It’s just that expensive.
Our first time adopting we had help, yet we were barely able to scrape together the funds needed to bring Grace home. We saved money by selling a car, canceling everything from cable TV to dental insurance, and taking second jobs. But we didn’t have two children to support then. We were in our 20’s and we could live like that for a while, denying ourselves everything and sustaining ourselves with the knowledge that we were insuring the life of our baby.
Five years later, and it’s not just my husband and I anymore. Thankfully, we have those two fabulous little lives we are responsible for, and I won’t take away from the children I have been blessed with in order to have more.
All it takes is some time with Grace and Georgia for me to be reminded that it would be so unfair for me to spend less time with them in order and try to make some extra money or tell them that they need to go without in order for our family to be able to save money to give them a sibling. I couldn’t do it. But that’s not the point. The point is, it costs more than thirty thousand dollars to adopt. If I can’t do it, I wonder how anyone can, and unfortunately, most can’t.
In the past, when people who wanted to adopt came to this realization that they would be unable to welcome a child into their homes due to financial reasons, they had few places to turn.
Now however, thanks to a wonderful organization that provides light and hope to families faced with the same dilemma that I have found myself facing, many more families have been able to realize their dreams of becoming parents. I became involved with Helpusadopt.org 2011, when their CEO, an adoptive mom of two, found me through an article I wrote for our college alumni magazine. It was love at first meet.
Becky went through the same things I did trying to get pregnant and then adopting. But she didn’t stop there. She started a non-profit organization that helps the childless become parents and the parentless find forever homes. The organization doesn’t discriminate; they don’t decide what parents should look like. They just give grants to loving people who want nothing more than to adopt a child. Since 2007 Helpusadopt.org has given over $770,000 in aid and helped create more than 91 families.
I now tell my story at their events and help raise money for them any way I can. QVC has been kind enough to support me and donate every year at the annual Neiman Marcus King Of Prussia Spring Fashion Show.
This year we raised 30 thousand dollars! But we have more to do. Our goal this year is over 600 thousand. That money will help children know the love of a parent. These children will have the blessing of knowing someone who will teach them to tie their shoes, and kiss them goodnight.
My constant supporter, confidante, cheerleader and friend Rachel Boesing comes with me every year. She is also adopted and she encourages me as I stand up in front of everyone and try to not cry through my adoption story.
This year, I once again put on my pretty dress and praised the Lord that he put me in a position to share the helpusadopt story. But, it was also a difficult night for me. This whole year has been a challenge. Perhaps the Lord has brought us to the end of this journey and allowed us to remain without a third child so that I can better understand what so many people go through.
The pain isn’t as severe as years ago, because I have my two little miracles to hold and kiss and dance around the patio with on a warm spring afternoon. But, the pain of loss and closure of that door into new motherhood, hits those buried, yet still tender, feelings I went through during all those years when I was childless and didn’t know for certain if I would ever become a mom. The harsh reality that one of the main reasons Grace and Georgia will never experience a younger sibling is because it’s too expensive to adopt just kills me. Wondering if there is a child out there that will be born into a family that needs us and we can’t do anything about it, could and has kept me up at night.
I know so many of you have your own stories of infertility, miscarriage, and adoption. I encourage you to share them. Tell your friends, your pastor, write it down, tell me. Just get it out; you never know whom it can help. I know it’s painful. Life can be painful. I go through hours of hair and makeup to get to that happy face you see on TV. Under it, I’m just like you. I’ve cried my eyes out at work and gone back in to get the running mascara fixed so I could talk about a bed, a TV, or a pair of shoes 10 minutes later on national television. I have pain, I have loss, I don’t want to get out of bed some days. But, I also have the immeasurable joys that the love of my perfect family of four has brought me. If the end of my story can help one more person complete their family, than it’s all been worth it.
Read more about helpusadopt.org on their web site. You can also read the transcript from last year’s event here. See pictures of my little blessings and follow our world 24/7 at www.facebook.come/kerstinlindquistqvc
God bless you and thanks for being part of my supportive QVC family.
Kerstin